Have you ever walked into something, thinking you know exactly what’s going to happen and then it is EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE?
Welcome to my life lately.
So I’ve been having horrible nightmares as of late, and all I wanted to do last night was watch something light and sweet and wonderful, cry happy tears, feel sappy and in love, and enjoy all of this with my bottle of water (I’m sick so I can’t have a glass of wine) and my kitty. I wanted the quintessential love story. So…I look on my DVR and see a movie that I saved for just that sappy moment: Like Crazy. It’s premised as a movie about two lovers who will do anything to make their long-distance relationship work. How sweet, right? The previews were so sappy and lovely, and I was so looking forward to it. It was a train wreck. Nothing goes right in this movie, and, what makes it worse, is that it’s one of those movies that just…ENDS. There’s no ending. The final scene is the couple are finally, awkwardly, living together, married (that part is not sweet AT ALL and reminds me of the awkwardness I felt married to P–I love you, P!), and awkwardly giving one another a kiss while in the shower together. Then it just goes to black. I about vomited. My heart sank, my stomach turned…I was like, “Wow, what the fuck is love? This shit is too real for me right now.” I was so disturbed that I couldn’t sleep for like 2 more hours (it was already 2am).
I had this conversation with my mother last night about being comfortable. In October, I decided that I wasn’t happy…in fact, I was miserable. So, I decided that for every decision, I would consider what I wanted to do and then choose the opposite decision. It’s been working out lately. It makes me so uncomfortable that I can’t stand it sometimes. Take, for instance, TK coming to therapy with me. I can’t even explain how horrifying that experience was. I want to say, yeah, now that I look back on it, it was SO GREAT. But, honestly, it wasn’t. He thinks it was the best thing for our relationship, deepened our relationship. My therapist thinks it was a “huge step” in my recovery from trauma. The only thing I can think of is how I don’t know what my life looks like without trauma. I don’t know what happiness looks like. I don’t even know if I want it. I don’t even know how to handle it. I decided I would choose differently, and now I don’t know where I stand.
The worst part about this is that with the unraveling and catharsis of my trauma comes horrible anxiety, horrible emptiness. WHO AM I WITHOUT TRAUMA?? I feel like I am grasping at straws for my sheer existence. I am terrified. I am bored. I am scared. I am sad. I am horribly sad. It’s like mourning the loss of…ME.
CS Lewis said: “It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”
My therapist said something like this, but used the acorn and the oak tree comparison. You look forward and you see that the oak tree is super strong and tall and magnificent, but there is pain that comes with the breaking of that acorn. The pain of breaking the egg’s shell. Some days, all I want to do is STAY THE ACORN. Yesterday and today are two of those days. But the problem is that once you start breaking the shell, you have to move forward…because now you’re just rotting.
“It always seems impossible until its done.”–Nelson Mandela
(but today, it feels impossible.)