I love my transplant hometown. I mean, for me, there’s no better place to be, or no place I have found to feel most like a “home”. But since Portlandia has taken off, I constantly wonder why Portland has decided to start making a complete mockery of ITSELF.
Disclaimer: I am a total hipster hippie. I ride my bicycle, I drink craft coffee and local liquor, I go to beerfests, I am gluten-free, I am Paleo. I am a yogi. I have dabbled in crossfit. I like strange games like bocce. I don’t use an umbrella when it rains. I’ve even started rolling up my pant legs and keeping them like that. I engage in philosophical discussions on the MAX. I wear Nike. I am part of the slow food movement and know my farmers. I get grumpy when New Seasons changes ranchers or egg carriers on me. I only shop local. And I am a snob about that.
But, Portland, you are going too far even for me. This morning, I was in New Seasons to buy my 1.5 lbs of bacon for the week. (Sidenote: this experience got me really peeved because I usually buy Carlton Farms regular pork bacon which is so good at rendering fat from, and I just absolutely love their little piggies…today, they switched bacon carriers on me, and I was actually upset enough to comment on it. Don’t fuck with my bacon!)
So I was wandering through the store, looking for a card for a friend, when I found these:
- Seriously? This just reminds me of people who try to milk their hamsters….
- Next to the book above, there was a SHELF of bicycle stuff. Hey, everything you need to worship your two-wheeler! Who reads “I love my bike?” Weird.
- Ok, I don’t know which of these actually disturbs me more. The beard thing has been going on for a few years, I know, but it has ALWAYS annoyed the shit out of me. WHy is this a thing? Why do women want to wear/try on lame beards? Why do men want to wear plastic beards? This is not cool, or cute, or funny. It is lame. STOP IT. But THEN…what the fuck is the trend in Star Wars origami about? Who does this? Who pays $20 to make a freaking yoda origami set? WHO DOES THIS?
Tony Bourdain, maybe you’re right to not visit Portland. I could just see you cringing.
All for now…