So many changes over the last few weeks, I can hardly explain it all… Though the journey has not been smooth and the process has been crippling, the lightness and peace in my life has sustained since a quiet moment where I wept with grief in a mountain cabin, for a friend whose loss I’d put behind me, for all the pain and isolation I have felt. Opening myself up, I immediately felt the shame of happiness, lashing out at undeserving individuals, because of my startling shame. Such a low point before my rising, and one that truly breaks my heart.
I can’t explain what has transpired since the stillness of opening myself to grieving the loss of my dear childhood friend, the loss of innocence, except to say that I have now found deep peace and profound joy within myself. I’ve forgiven people and events that have ruined my self esteem and relationships with others, I’ve actually stuck through 20+ minutes of meditation a day, I’ve heard people, I’ve seen people. I’ve settled lawsuits. I’ve apologized. I’ve felt deep, tremendous gratitude. I’ve eaten ice cream cones, done cartwheels in the park, watched ACTUAL comedies, I’ve read. I’ve danced alone, with strangers. I’ve prayed. I’ve felt safe and loved as I am.
To all of you who have been a part of my reckoning, to those I’ve hurt in the process: Thank you. I’m so sorry that I’ve made you feel like I didn’t trust your intentions. Thank you for inspiring me to belong again. I can’t wait to experience this new, beautiful world and what it’s got to offer my exploding, happy heart.