Irish heart

It’s one of those nights when I can’t stop thinking about what we had once. And, if we’re both able to be honest and unguarded, what we still have. 

I can’t believe it was 4 years ago now, when we went to an Irish punk show on St. Patrick’s Day; I’d never celebrated it before. It was a Friday, and I worked from your apartment, writing code and taking meetings… And taking shots. You got stoned, watched basketball, played video games. I loved falling in love with you in that apartment. The one with the bean bag chair you rescued from the alley and repurposed into something people fought over… Kind of like how you repurposed me into someone I loved. 

I remember the nights we ate ice cream and watched Game of Thrones in the dark. The times we babysat your nephew, when we played music in the living room. When we played games. When I’d watch your ritual of separating seeds and stems from buds, how you weighed flower on a Jimi Hendrix CD. Board games, card games, heart games. Most of all, I remember your smile. Your laugh. Your bright, animated eyes. How those eyes looked into mine. 

The way you sipped tequila when we shot it. The way you called it a “wee dram” like your dad did. The way you danced when you drank tequila. The way you watched when I danced. The way you held me tight and covered my eyes at the show when there were strobe lights. The way you always, always protected me. The way you still do. 

That night, there was a song at the show that reminded me of my best friend who’d died of an overdose the year before. An overdose I’d just found out about. You held me, you danced with me, you kissed me during that song. You made it ours; full of special and thought and intention and love. In every moment, you made me feel safe and strong, because I am.

Now that I’m stronger still, more composed, I wish, on days like today, that you could be part of the stillness with me. That we could be a force. That we could watch basketball, go drinking, or stay in and drink beer and watch star trek. That we could play magic and go to game cons and laugh. That we could continue the happiness and fun and excitement we lost nearly 3 years ago. That we could be best friends, like we both know we still are. 

“If I ever leave this world alive, I’d thank you for what you gave to my life…” 

It’s days like today that I know that day four years ago left a four leaf clover in my heart forever. 

Welcoming

Disclaimer: if religion and God offend you, this post isn’t for you.

It’s day 4 of Lent, my first Lent, and I’ve asked the universe to guide me into places I have not been able to see. 

On Ash Wednesday, at 2 am, a woman from my cancer support community here died suddenly from toxicity from chemotherapy treatment. After 20+ years of suffering from metastatic breast cancer, she decided to try one round of palliative chemotherapy, against all her instincts. 22 days after that horrible infusion, she was admitted to the hospital for what seemed to be pneumonia, and she never left the ICU. It was a horrible, unexpected, horrific tragedy for which no one was prepared. 

This woman was beloved by my field because she was the shining example of the empowered patient–asking questions, educating herself on her diagnosis and prognosis, and making her own treatment decisions based on her care goals. She inspired me personally and professionally, and my heart is empty and broken. I’m beside myself with feelings of grief. 

So, on Wednesday, I attended Eucharist, received my ashes, and I devoted myself to not numbing my feelings so that I could be open to receiving answers through the spirit. I have been grappling with so many things about which I just cannot make sense. 

This morning, while in meditation, I remembered a dream I had two nights ago. The only religious image that I still love from childhood actually came to life. The image is called “Journey’s End” and depicts a weary traveler being warmly greeted by Jesus with an embrace. It has halted me many times, even when I no longer considered myself a Christian. It is the message I have always needed.

In that meditation, I was struck by the thought of birth and death being exactly the same. Have you ever experienced a birth, where people are so anxious and excited and planning for the baby to come, trying to hurry the induction of the child so that the baby can be passed around lovingly in its first few hours of this life? 

Well, I wonder what it feels like for the family in heaven who must part with that beautiful soul in order to send it down to earth for the life it is about to live. Do they worry if the child will come back? Do they wonder if they’ll still have the same connection? Do they worry that the child will forget them? There must be such grief and loss in heaven when a baby is born, when they have to say goodbye to one of their own, someone they love so so much.
The first natural death I witnessed was my grandmother’s. She was 94, completely lucid, and allowed me into the room when she was dying, holding my hand. She was beautiful. Just before she took her last breath, she looked across the room, stretched out her hand and said, “Dad? Karl? It’s you.” And just like that, she was gone. She had a welcoming party to greet her and it was her time to transition. That memory has never left me, and I’ve heard so many similar ones to that. 

So, just as we welcome, with outstretched arms, the babies coming into the world, I am comforted by the notion that when we die, were being welcomed back. That while I may be weeping the loss of my friend, a woman of such beauty and substance, she has a group of friends and family awaiting her to say,

“Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.” Matthew 25:21

And just like a new baby, on the other side, we’re welcomed with anticipation and delight. Oh, what comfort is in this thought. 

Farewell, M. I will miss you until I see you in the welcoming party.