It’s one of those nights when I can’t stop thinking about what we had once. And, if we’re both able to be honest and unguarded, what we still have.
I can’t believe it was 4 years ago now, when we went to an Irish punk show on St. Patrick’s Day; I’d never celebrated it before. It was a Friday, and I worked from your apartment, writing code and taking meetings… And taking shots. You got stoned, watched basketball, played video games. I loved falling in love with you in that apartment. The one with the bean bag chair you rescued from the alley and repurposed into something people fought over… Kind of like how you repurposed me into someone I loved.
I remember the nights we ate ice cream and watched Game of Thrones in the dark. The times we babysat your nephew, when we played music in the living room. When we played games. When I’d watch your ritual of separating seeds and stems from buds, how you weighed flower on a Jimi Hendrix CD. Board games, card games, heart games. Most of all, I remember your smile. Your laugh. Your bright, animated eyes. How those eyes looked into mine.
The way you sipped tequila when we shot it. The way you called it a “wee dram” like your dad did. The way you danced when you drank tequila. The way you watched when I danced. The way you held me tight and covered my eyes at the show when there were strobe lights. The way you always, always protected me. The way you still do.
That night, there was a song at the show that reminded me of my best friend who’d died of an overdose the year before. An overdose I’d just found out about. You held me, you danced with me, you kissed me during that song. You made it ours; full of special and thought and intention and love. In every moment, you made me feel safe and strong, because I am.
Now that I’m stronger still, more composed, I wish, on days like today, that you could be part of the stillness with me. That we could be a force. That we could watch basketball, go drinking, or stay in and drink beer and watch star trek. That we could play magic and go to game cons and laugh. That we could continue the happiness and fun and excitement we lost nearly 3 years ago. That we could be best friends, like we both know we still are.
“If I ever leave this world alive, I’d thank you for what you gave to my life…”
It’s days like today that I know that day four years ago left a four leaf clover in my heart forever.