Wondering

I spent all evening

With someone

Who reminded me of you.

First, the face, the hair, the height

then, the accent, the snarky comments

the playful, professional flirting.

It was like looking at you,

hearing you,

Watching you hear me.

I wonder,

Without all the red tape,

What could it all have been?

I remember the night we finally kissed.

Electric, heart-pounding

Unexpected.

I thought you were a cocky suit

With a fancy title and a fancy job

And raging insecurity.

I was right.

The night you came over

You melted in my arms,

Took off the armor,

And cried in my room.

In that moment, I loved you.

Not the tough exterior, the pomp,

But the jelly inside.

The kind, doubtful, sad soul

With the sad eyes.

I saw those same sad eyes tonight

And I loved them just the same.

If we’d met in another place,

At another time,

Would you still be curled up

Talking about fantasy novels

About administrative law

In my room,

Your head on my chest?

Would you be grieving with me?

Could I have made those sad eyes smile?

I spent all evening

With a man who looked like you,

Felt like you,

And, beside him, someone who knows you.

Find your way.

Take off the suit.

Remove your armor.

I’ve seen you without,

beautiful, vulnerable, deeply personal.

You matter.

Matter more.

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Clark Kent

So many periods

Of times apart,

Pining for times together

To embrace the heart.

We were both made to be gods

To give the world something bigger

Better

Greater

We’re the hero class, you and me.

Hearts thrown aside

To step into destiny.

But let’s just imagine

We took a moment to

Just be.

Two classy geniuses.

In the throes of breath,

Of embrace,

Of romance.

Don’t worry,

Just imagine it for a moment.

The burning intensity.

It’s night in Metropolis.

You in a dapper dark suit,

A bow tie and your dark glasses.

Your hair brushed and placed perfectly.

Your smile lighting up the sky,

Even amidst the city lights.

Me, in a satin ballgown,

Soft to the touch,

Bare shoulders and hair pulled back,

Tiny hairs on end with the blowing wind.

Classic and elegant.

Hopeful and happy.

I put my hand on your chest,

underneath your jacket

Looking to feel your heartbeat on my palm

Breathing in sync,

inhaling your essence.

Soul mates, aligned,

If only for a moment.

We kiss, we touch,

We devour,

Overlooking the city below

We own the night

Looking out only for us.

Pure chemistry.

Elemental.

Two gods,

controlling the swirl

Of weather and time.

Slowed in your embrace.

Brief moments where

Our energies recharge

and then, like clockwork,

We are called to duty

To serve the greater purpose.

When do we make it last?

When do we slow it down?

When have we saved the world,

If we haven’t saved ourselves?

The sweater 

About a month ago now

Has it really been that long?

I became enveloped in you,

As always

Leaving my sweater at the restaurant

Caught off guard 

By my utter lack of concern

For a piece of fabric 

I loved, so much.

I can pinpoint the moment

Where that sweater mattered nothing

When the attention shifted

From me to room to you,

To us.

At that moment,

There was one.

An us. 

Nearly a year in this dating game

And I saw it,

Clear as day.

Turning toward, with conviction.

I started to fall

An emotional moment that 

Took me by surprise.

You were my fling in the district

I, your transition person,

And yet, we transitioned,

Into something else.

Something more.

I began to fall,

Leaving that fabric behind.

You could have mailed it,

You know.

But instead, you took me up

On my playful advice

To keep it, hold that sweater I love

For ransom.

To see me again. 

I want to wear you on my arm

Like that beautiful sweater.

I want to snuggle you,

Pull you close to me in the autumn air.

I want to take you home,

Keep you in my closet.

All for me. 

I want people to compliment you

Compliment me for having you.

To be so lucky.

Simply,

I want that sweater

In your closet,

me in your room

Enveloping me in you

More.

Perhaps always. 

Perhaps not. 

But always, 

more.

Never Say Never

I remember now the moment I fell in love with you. 

It was faster than I anticipated, 

occurring through my fear and pain.

I had a panic attack, and you,

You sat down in front of me, 

Your hands on the sides of my face,

Demanding my eye contact,

Teaching me to follow your breaths.

“Slow inhale, and hold.

Exhale. Let the tears come. Let the pain in.

Calm down those nerves, my darling.

Breathe in. Expand your container.

Breathe out. Empty it all.

I’m here, you’re held.

Never alone again.

Breathe in, composure.

Breathe out. There’s a smile!

See. You’re okay.”

With that, love. 

Expansive, all consuming, 

Forehead touching,

Transformational love. 

With those breaths, I fell farther

Down the rabbit hole that is your heart.

Never alone again.

And I believed you.

Every time you said it, I did.

Until the very end. 

Until the day you left,

When you looked back, saying,

“Never say never.”

No matter how far you are, 

I still feel those hands,

Soft and strong, 

calming my nerves. 

When I need a friend.

I still smile when I think of yours.

“There it is!” You’d declare.

They are the moments where I continue

To fall in love with you

Even still.

Graveside

19 years ago today, I watched dirt pile over my best friend’s casket. I watched as what was left of her was lowered into the ground, inch by inch, the physical space between us mounting. I loved her, I did. 

Since that time, I’ve visited her grave often. I talk to her. I smile at her. I cry with her. I’ve moved away and still I sit with her when I’m home. Sometimes, people ask me if I still have friends or family in my hometown, and I want to say that’s she’s there. I want to raise her from the dead, keep her going. 

Last year, for the first time, I heard her whispering to me. I felt her presence. I experienced the games she still played on me. Now, you may not believe any of these experiences, you may think that dead is dead, but I know it in my core. I know she’s always around, wreaking havoc. Kokopelli girl. 

Today, as I was sitting in the sun at her grave, and I saw 2 blue dragonflies fly around us, finally landing on her headstone. Dragonflies are the sign of my spirit animal, my patronus. They mean I’m on the right track, where I need to be. That I’m doing the right thing. I had my angel sitting on the headstone at the same time, and I felt watched, guarded, protected, loved. I looked at her headstone and said, “i release you.” And she was no longer lingering, but the love and protection were still there. Peaceful girl. 

And always, I carry her heart. I carry it in my heart.

Heart Games

I dreamt of you last night

Your eyes so piercing.

The way they softened 

As you bumped into me

Unexpectedly.

It was like your whole body sighed,

A deep, soulful exhale,

Like you’d been carrying a weight

That’s miraculously free.

We were at a game convention

You were startled by why I’d be there

 I wanted to play munchkin

And try RPGs, with new dice.

That I had so much fun 

when I’d gone before.

With you.

We’d been fighting.

An awful memory for you, I suppose.

I saw your mind wander to that time.
Your friend, he used to be mine too,

Standing next to you, greeted me.

We were comforted by familiarity.

As you stood and stared, 

He asked me to lunch, and I agreed.

We updated one another, reminisced.

Laughed, reflected, congratulated.

Familiarity and repose.
You were messaging him.

Interrupting the conversation.

Disrupting the flow, with your interest.

Then you came by.

(Y)our friend told you to kiss me.

And you did, reluctantly at first,

Then diving in.

Swirling with my energy, consumed.

You asked where I was staying.

I told you, you followed me.

We connected again, 

passionate embraces,

Longing kisses.

Then I had to go, to play.

And I left you,

With a room key,

Alone.
Only to return to devour,

Mind, body, soul.

My best friend returning to me.

My penguin.

You are the game master,

But I won the game.