Revisions

I used to think

that I wanted lust

Chemical connection

Until I saw

The sweet purity

Of a smile,

Of love through understanding.

Of the space between the moments

Of touch,

Of play,

Of lips, tongues, foreheads

Quietly connecting.

I used to confuse

Lust for love.

Then I loved you.

The tenderness

Of a hug,

Of your smile, admiring a gift

I’d remembered to give,

Of a video

I’d remembered to record.

Then I loved the exhale

You’d breathe

When you’d pull me tighter.

The melting into my hand,

Your head giving way

under my fingertips.

The stories you tell

When I need distraction from tears.

The moments of happiness we share.

I could watch that smile

Creep across your face,

Those eyes soften,

Those shoulders relax,

Every day for the rest of my life

And just be happy.

I thought I wanted you

When you lusted after me.

Now I need you

To hold my hand,

Simply

Loving you,

In the quiet moments,

Of tenderness.

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Ghosting

I haven’t heard from you in days.

The last time we really talked,

There was excitement,

Future,

Lust,

Intention.

We were mutually interested,

and I had started to fall for the person

you are,

The person I think,

I thought,

you are…

You were?

It’s been 4

Almost 5

Days.

I obsessively reviewed

Every moment.

Every text.

Every email.

Every WhatsApp,

Every… Everything.

And you want me.

On paper,

You are at least planning

To Fuck. the. Hell. Out. Of. Me.

And I want it all.

I’m not even sure

If you’re my boyfriend,

But I want your body

intertwined with mine.

Daily. Weekly. For now.

But I’m hurt.

I haven’t heard from you.

Not even if you’re busy.

Not even if you’re uninterested.

Not even if something happened.

You told me you were into me.

You told me not to worry.

About you.

About us.

But you don’t try.

I hate that you don’t try.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Do you?

That’s obviously rhetorical,

As I haven’t heard from you.

And that hurts most.

Send an emoji.

Tell me you’re busy.

Tell me you’re not that into me.

Let me hate you

Let me feel disgust

Let me hurt,

With intention.

You told me things

That I began to believe.

I gave you my body,

To ogle,

To release to,

To enjoy.

But we haven’t fucked.

Not yet.

I would have given it all to you.

I would have been your private dancer.

I would have been your “cool girl”.

As much as I despise your ghosting,

I miss you, too.

Messy

Intensity 

Like all the molecules in my body vibrating at once

At an elevated frequency

Endorphins firing, dopamine released.

A magnet, pulling,

Like the tide 

If not careful, it’ll consume you

Before you’re even aware.

Never extinguished,

Only running latent,

Undetected until

The eyes lock 

The ears hear the honeyed tone

The inhalations slow to sync.

Like tendrils 

Those hooks pull you under

Entangling your limbs, your vital organs

Until you’ve got the decision

Fight or be consumed.

And you lie back

Reveling in the mess.