Little Bird

I love the way

Your eyes wrinkle

With delight

When you are looking at me.

I love how calm

It always seems you are

When we meet in silence.

Is it that easy,

When we strip away

All the expectations?

I love all the ways

You make me laugh

How you tell stories

That sometimes make

little sense,

And I never care to know why.

Sometimes, even,

I admire your open hesitation

To give into

What you know

Your heart desires.

What courage must it take

To resist what you want,

In return

for safety.

Pay no mind,

Little bird,

I’ll be here

When you feel sure enough

To approach my embrace,

To be your friend,

To mind after your heart.

If only to see

You break into a smile

One last time.

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Success or Failure?

This is a tough one for me to admit.

I’m not sure which scares me more:

The thought of rejection, or of acceptance.

Perhaps, it’s because acceptance

Means vulnerability,

And, perhaps, because what that means

Is susceptibility to just more pain.

I fell in love, once.

It took me three committed years,

Where I felt truly loved,

Day in, day out,

For me to exhale.

For me to stop waiting

For the other shoe to drop.

Ironically, in the exact moment

I did let my guard down

He uttered the words,

“This isn’t working for me.”

Had something changed?

Had I cracked something so fragile?

And yet, risk is the only way.

Perhaps there’s another way,

But not for me.

The only way

To get your dream job

To have your dream life

To fall in love.

But,

What if you get it?

What happens then?

Things fall together and apart

All the time.

We have no control and yet

We want to hold on,

So tightly,

To what we want

Only to realize that everything changes.

How do we hold this paradox,

This fragile, nearly broken box,

The space between

Pain and freedom

Desire and rejection

Birth and death?

How can we

Just be,

Just breathe?

The sweater 

About a month ago now

Has it really been that long?

I became enveloped in you,

As always

Leaving my sweater at the restaurant

Caught off guard 

By my utter lack of concern

For a piece of fabric 

I loved, so much.

I can pinpoint the moment

Where that sweater mattered nothing

When the attention shifted

From me to room to you,

To us.

At that moment,

There was one.

An us. 

Nearly a year in this dating game

And I saw it,

Clear as day.

Turning toward, with conviction.

I started to fall

An emotional moment that 

Took me by surprise.

You were my fling in the district

I, your transition person,

And yet, we transitioned,

Into something else.

Something more.

I began to fall,

Leaving that fabric behind.

You could have mailed it,

You know.

But instead, you took me up

On my playful advice

To keep it, hold that sweater I love

For ransom.

To see me again. 

I want to wear you on my arm

Like that beautiful sweater.

I want to snuggle you,

Pull you close to me in the autumn air.

I want to take you home,

Keep you in my closet.

All for me. 

I want people to compliment you

Compliment me for having you.

To be so lucky.

Simply,

I want that sweater

In your closet,

me in your room

Enveloping me in you

More.

Perhaps always. 

Perhaps not. 

But always, 

more.

Never Say Never

I remember now the moment I fell in love with you. 

It was faster than I anticipated, 

occurring through my fear and pain.

I had a panic attack, and you,

You sat down in front of me, 

Your hands on the sides of my face,

Demanding my eye contact,

Teaching me to follow your breaths.

“Slow inhale, and hold.

Exhale. Let the tears come. Let the pain in.

Calm down those nerves, my darling.

Breathe in. Expand your container.

Breathe out. Empty it all.

I’m here, you’re held.

Never alone again.

Breathe in, composure.

Breathe out. There’s a smile!

See. You’re okay.”

With that, love. 

Expansive, all consuming, 

Forehead touching,

Transformational love. 

With those breaths, I fell farther

Down the rabbit hole that is your heart.

Never alone again.

And I believed you.

Every time you said it, I did.

Until the very end. 

Until the day you left,

When you looked back, saying,

“Never say never.”

No matter how far you are, 

I still feel those hands,

Soft and strong, 

calming my nerves. 

When I need a friend.

I still smile when I think of yours.

“There it is!” You’d declare.

They are the moments where I continue

To fall in love with you

Even still.

Epiphany & the Universe

I still meditate every day. My blog has transformed a bit to become what I need it to be in the moment as a result, but, believe me, I still meditate. I also have found prayer, which I guess has always been inside of me, but now, like a growing fetus, it’s become much more pronounced in my life. Perhaps, even, written on my body. Prayer is the new normal for me now, and I can understand the simple pleasure of ritual. 

As a child, I used to walk around with my friend V, and we’d talk about how we could hear the Universe “breathing”. Perhaps it was the wind, the rain, the elements descending, but I could hear the Universe breathing all over again. This personification has never left me, and it’s only grown with my practice of prayer. Now, I talk to the Universe… And through meditation (dedicated listening), it talks back. We have a relationship of which I’ve grown rather fond. 

Perhaps the new year, perhaps my time off work, perhaps the fact that I felt genuine, unconditional love from my family recently, perhaps the rain, but I have begun to awaken. I go to therapy twice a week, and I’m proud of that. Today, my therapist and I were talking about perception, with regard to my new eye glasses following eye surgery. Now, I can see edges and depth and sharper images. Now, I can discern between substance and noise. 

Substance and noise. Discernment. Those things come from meditation. From stillness. From presence. In that moment, with my therapist, I said something, she misheard my statement, and an epiphany occurred, out of the blue. Perhaps, a message from the Universe that two individuals heard simultaneously. 

I had an epiphany. I’m holding on to the places where I had the best boundaries because…i have never received the help I need to create them. To think my feelings, my lived experience, is valid. So I use others to get that validation instead of getting the specific help I need. 

In return, I’m able to send that request into the Universe, on its own, to be answered. To have my long underserved needs fulfilled. Do you know what my prayer to the Universe said this morning?

“Please, help me love myself and help make me whole so that I can love and belong to me.”

The answers are there, the guidance is waiting. You only have to quiet down and listen. 

Bold.

When you rarely asked

For me to clarify

I want to say, “i should have known.”

When you reacted

Instead of being curious

I want to say, “i should have gone.”

But I’m not regretting this.

The lessons,

They taught me.

The shaming,

It humbled me.

Your anger,

It filled me with compassion.

Your complacency,

That taught me gratitude.

Your inability to handle stress,

It taught me patience.

Your inability to communicate,

It taught me to breathe.

Your ignorant reactions to my triggers,

It taught me self-acceptance.

This isn’t about me.

You were decidedly intolerant,

And while I wish you had cared more,

You don’t.

So I must.

I cannot wait to move on

To be heard

To be seen

To be loved

You think I’ve lost you?

In that, I found me.