Acute insomnia

Awake

And distracted

So full of lightness and love

Just knowing

I saw your face today,

Looking back at me,

So close I could touch you

And hold your arm

Or put my arms around you

Just knowing

I could experience you

In my orbit

You’re here.

I’m like a child on Christmas Eve,

Starry eyed

Sugar plums dancing

Dreams of traveling

And adventuring

And exploring

And dating with you

Dancing in my head.

I can’t believe it’s been so long,

Together,

And you still make me skip a beat.

When your wings grow tired

I hope you settle in my nest.

Love of my life,

My little bird.

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Pipe Dreams

I used to say to myself

That old Mormon mantra

About how if I were just good enough

If I stayed on that straight & narrow

I’d be rewarded in the end.

In the end.

What did I know, then,

About it not coming?

There are so many days

When all I want, need

Is to throw in the towel

And meet my end.

It seems glorious there.

I had these dreams

That my parents would love me

That if I were kind to my friends

Or worked hard at work

Things would be reciprocated.

But they aren’t.

They haven’t ever been.

Life is crushing.

Now, I face the brink

Of daily tears

Of unrelenting obligation

Of pain.

But full of purpose

To make things better for others

Because I know I can.

The road to heaven

Isn’t easy.

And all I can do

Is pray it’s worth it.

A Thousand Faces

For months

I waited.

Desperately.

For breathy whispers

In quiet moments

Three words,

Committing yourself to me,

To us.

They never came.

I nearly overlooked

the moments

Where acts of kindness

Of vulnerability

Replaced those words,

Giving in,

Moment by moment

Until we began to trust

The routine

Of our life together,

Combined.

Slowly sharing more,

Introducing friends,

Making time,

Only making quality time.

Making the time quality.

Learning to touch.

Learning to talk.

Learning to lean.

Learning to laugh.

Loving every moment.

Loving difficult moments.

Loving awkward moments.

Loving.

Slowly, loving.

Until one day

Becomes every day

Becomes always.

Becoming.

Always, becoming.

Surprises

It isn’t linear,

This life.

Holding on to expectations

You’re never able to reach

Only to notice the plans

Changing right in front of you.

A woman, dying in your arms

Making a spontaneous recovery,

A close friend with plans

all coming together

Facing a tragic end.

A tried and true,

Middle of the road

Solid relationship

Ending without cause or explanation

While the dark horse

Who always strung you along

Finally making big plans.

Finally giving in to a shared love.

This life,

It’s out of our hands.

Rather, it’s a roll of the dice,

Sometimes turning out

Just as you’d expect,

While others,

Changing the course of history.

Take it as it comes,

This life.

As it is better to move with the current

Than to fight against it.

A battle you would never win anyway.

Two Sides.

I love the way you hold me,

Handling me like I’m fragile

I love the way your fingers

Press against my skin,

With intention.

The way you watch me

from the distance;

You love being around me.

I’m filled with contentment.

It’s simple. Kind. Sweet.

You don’t lead with the sex

But you’re sexy.

I love your smile,

Your ease,

Your stubborn rigidity,

Keeping you from that

Very. Last. Inch.

I love your eyes on me

And your full-body hugs.

Your timidity,

Your candor.

No ego, or bravado.

And yet,

Your walking contradictions–

You’re rigid but

Sing hip hop online,

Globe trotting but

You never leave your hometown,

Cultured but

At times, small-minded,

A square but

Always playing the philanderer,

With a heart full of gold

And body full of swagger.

I’d have it no other way

Except always.

Little Bird

I love the way

Your eyes wrinkle

With delight

When you are looking at me.

I love how calm

It always seems you are

When we meet in silence.

Is it that easy,

When we strip away

All the expectations?

I love all the ways

You make me laugh

How you tell stories

That sometimes make

little sense,

And I never care to know why.

Sometimes, even,

I admire your open hesitation

To giving in to

What you know

Your heart desires.

What courage must it take

To resist what you want,

In return

for safety.

Pay no mind,

Little bird,

I’ll be here

When you feel sure enough

To approach my embrace,

To be your friend,

To mind after your heart.

If only to see

You break into a smile

One last time.