Friday, I had to get a dialation and curettage procedure performed to remove and replace my Mirena IUD. For those of you who don’t know, a D&C is a common procedure when it comes to abortion and miscarriage, and it is performed in order to clear something from the uterus. For me, I had a situation where one end of my IUD perforated my uterus. It has been painful the last couple of months, and I am glad to get it done. However, it means that I am feeling gross, helpless, and all around “icky” right now.
When my appointment for this surgery was changed to a date when my parents couldn’t be here, my boyfriend TK stepped in and offered to help me out. He’s a natural caregiver, super loving, and an all-around nice guy. However, in all his kindness, I realized how much I don’t want him to take care of me, how I don’t want pitying eyes every time I groan in pain…that feels like history repeating itself.
I was once married to my best friend. He and I are completely twin souls. I think we’re so alike that it’s scary, and so alike that it’s volatile at times. He pushes me, he pulls me, he hurts me. All in all, though, he has healed me.
To The Man Who Married Me, All Those Years Ago:
I have so many things to say to you. We talk often, and yet we move in such different circles, such different spaces, such different paths. Do you remember the days when we tried to cram our paths together? The days when we tried to align our lives? Can you believe that we sat in McMenamins Raleigh Hills Pub 2 years ago today, finishing the paperwork that would diverge our paths for good? In that moment, I could not imagine my life not being your wife. I know I talk all the time about how miserable being married to you was, but in complete honesty, you were the best person I could have grown out of.
So, today, I will write you a small thank you compared to the thank you that you deserve.
- Thank you for all the times you came off stage, dripping with sweat, to hug me. It made me feel more than special
- Thank you for listening to my secrets and holding them in your heart
- Thank you for caring for me all the years I was sick. Thank you for the rides to the doctor, for holding my hair when I vomited, for waiting on me hand and foot, for cancelling plans because I didn’t feel like it, for sleeping near me when I couldn’t get out of bed for days. Thank you.
- Thank you for making the best meals in the entire world. I was completely spoiled.
- Thank you for changing your diet in order to save my life. Thank you for changing my life to make me the Paleo Queen I am today.
- Thank you for margaritas on the 4th of July, for coffee dates on Sundays, for Framboise, for Moet & Chandon White Star, for Red Bull & Vodkas, for Tom Collins, for Ruby, for Sangiovese, for Gruener Veltliner, for Gluhwein.
- Thank you for sharing your music, your world with me.
- Thank you for showing me what friends should be like by making the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
- Thank you for pushing me
- Thank you for continuing to go camping and hiking with me when all I did was complain.
- Thank you for the whims–the spontaneous drives to Disneyland, or LA, or Seattle, or the Coast.
- Thank you for teaching me to cook.
- Thank you for continuously reminding me of my greatness.
- Thank you for taking me to see the bands you really didn’t like.
- Thank you for the Reddit links on the days you knew I needed a smile and you couldn’t be there to give me one.
- Thank you for teaching me to ride a bicycle
- Thank you for moving to Portland with me and then giving me an appreciation for the city when I thought all hope was lost
- Thank you for the Basshunter dance parties, the wine/salami/cheese parties, the chocolate mousse parties, the big fires.
- Thank you for Mafia Wars, for Grepolis, for GemCraft.
- Thank you for London, Prague, Vancouver, D.C., Las Vegas, St. George, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Barcelona, Zaragoza, Bilbao, San Sebastian, Reus, Santander, Bierritz, Bayonne, Hendaye, Vienna, Dresden, Frankfurt, Bratislava.
- Thank you for the hugs, the laughs, the tears, the dreams shared, the friends shared.
- Thank you for telling me I didn’t deserve things that happened to me.
- Thank you for telling me I deserve better.
- Thank you for being the Bea Whisperer.
- Thank you for always appeasing my family, even when they were insufferable.
- Thank you for always appeasing my friends, even when they were insufferable.
- Thank you for being there for me, even when I was insufferable.
- Thank you for sitting through years of Bridget Jones’ Diary
- Thank you for letting me go when all I wanted to do was hold on.
I am the happiest I have EVER BEEN. I now know who I am. I am not that little girl you once married on top of the hill in Presidio Park. I am not that girl who giggled in front of the fire in Idyllwild. I am not that girl who was afraid of everything. But you know who I am? I am that girl who drove 8 hours on whim to see some guy come out of a club I couldn’t get into. I am that girl who challenged a guy to a smoke off when she knew she couldn’t win. I am that girl who giggles for hours about nothing. I am that girl you saw glimpses of. I am that girl who dances to Basshunter by simply twisting her body over and over again. I am that goofball girl. And now I can be her all the time. Thank you for nurturing that part of me. I am so grateful for the man you are and have been so that I can be this woman.
Thank you for being here for me through the worst so that I can be at my best.
You will always be loved by me. Thank you. Thank you for setting me free.
I cannot express the gobs of hearts I am pouring out for you across the world right now.
GOBS.
–Blonde.
Chapter 3. 